I am sure that this is no surprise to anyone, I hated the anxiety! It’s not just the anxiety the next day either about what you have done or said (although that is hideous) alcohol brings on so many more worries (this isn’t going to be scientific by the way, I am not that clever!)
- When is it okay to drink? – Ever felt like this? You really really want a drink but it’s far too early. I used to get this especially on a weekend, waiting until it would become an acceptable time to drink, my favourite (and expensive) trick was to want to go out for lunch early, perfectly acceptable to have wine with lunch yes? I’d always race the first one down and then have another as my partner drinks pints and of course would have lots left so it was the obvious thing to do.
- Would anything get in the way of a drink? – This is awful to admit but I used to really hate having anything late in the day that I would need to drive for. This would mean that I couldn’t have a drink until afterwards. Being a parent, I am often the chief taxi driver and it would make me so petulant if I knew I was going to have to wait a really long time to drink….
- The worry people knew – It wasn’t often that I would be found in a pub , but I did worry people knew that I was drinking most nights. I sometimes felt like they just knew. I am sure they didn’t, or did they?
- I am the only one who drinks like this– the feeling that everyone else drinks normally. It’s only me that needs those extra drinks, it’s only me who goes and buys more wine after the pub and drinks the lot.
- The morning after anxiety– well it really isn’t just that is it? After a particularly heavy night I would wake ( usually around 4am) feeling like someone was sat on my chest and squeezing my heart at the same time. I could barely breathe I was feeling so anxious. I would curl into the foetal position all the while repeating over and over that I hated myself. Eventually I’d fall back to sleep and wake later feeling the same. What had I done; how did I get here? Was my husband unhappy with me? Could I just be anaesthetised for 3 days and sleep until this feeling passes?
- Did I annoy/upset/horrify you anxiety– sending innocuous texts to those you were out with to gauge if they were angry or not. Trying to casually chat with the family the next day, checking their faces and how they respond to see if you have anything to worry about.
- The memory game– desperately trying to piece together what happened without actually asking anyone, check the fridge, any wine left? Checking clothes, was I able to put nightclothes on? Where are my clothes? Did I clean my teeth? Casually trying to guess events through snippets of conversation!
This list could probably go on and on and I am sure that I will visit it again, but I’ll leave it there for now.
What are your thoughts? Did I miss anything? I’d love to hear from you. Xxx