Day 82- How I got here

How I got here

I am so relieved that I am not on day one again or the first few weeks. The constant conversations in my head about what I was doing what I had done was horrific. I was exhausted, I have never felt such tiredness. I would wake up tired after a full nights sleep (although there was very little sleep for the first few days).

No pink cloud this time

As this wasn’t my first try at sobriety, I didn’t feel the pink cloud for a long time, I already knew that stopping in the end was the easy part, staying stopped was the hard part. I had done almost a year before and still had slipped so I was actually really fearful that this wouldn’t stick.

I felt so lonely too, I couldn’t really talk to anyone about this as I wasn’t sure I would wanted to stay sober and surely sharing my aims would mean there was no going back. I was an emotional mess, feeling all the feels, shame, guilt, anger, self pity, the lot. I was angry that I had to even start this journey but the fact is I not only needed to start this journey but I needed to stay on the bloody thing! I also think I didn’t want to hear anyone say, ‘you aren’t that bad’ or ‘well just have one or two’. I heard that a lot, I wish I could have one or two but sadly I can’t.

I found my tribe

I was so unhappy on this journey, still pissed off and still angry that I was missing out. I then found my tribe, entirely by accident. I was looking around for someone different but with a similar name and I found the most wonderful Female sobriety group online, ran by a wonderful and quite magnificent Irish lady. There was no judging, no competitive comments on who did or didn’t drink more, just straight talking and care. I needed a tribe, independent me had always done things alone but this time, I needed help and I found it.

Pinkish cloud right now

So right now, I do have a bit of a pinkish tinge to my sobriety, I love being much more present for my kids, I love that there is never any question over if I can drive or not, I love that I am doing exercise and loving it for the first time in years. I am writing! Good or bad, I’ve always loved writing but stopped years ago (perhaps you are now mentally passing me a drink to get me to stop again 🙂 )

Early days

I am not silly, I know that I am still in very early days, but I have definitely had a shift in feelings. I now feel relieved that I don’t HAVE to drink not fuming because I can’t. Long may it last.

Published by B

40 something newly ex- drinker, trying to make sense of this brave new world I am now part of.

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