Today I came very near to having a fuck it moment. I have had a horrible day, it started badly and got worse. I also didn’t have a great nights sleep, which puts me on the back foot always.

Someone I love dearly but who always lets me down did it again. I had a phone call with them where I encountered barb after barb ending with a comment that always triggers me. I can’t lie, I was hurt, upset and very very angry. I actually felt quite desperate and furious at myself as I had allowed the situation to affect me so much. I will say, however, that I did end the call in a much more calm and kind way than I would have in the past but I think that’s about the only positive to the situation.

For the first time in a long time, I had a fuck it moment. I thought I am sick of feeling like this ( it had only been about an hour by the way) and I deserve a drink to get through this. Resentment has always done this to me. I’ll get drunk, I will really hurt myself, that will teach them!

Luckily, sober me kicked in quite quickly, I had a rant at my sober friends, who managed to calm me down and sympathised with me, I needed that because normally after these situations I get very guilty for even reacting to the situation and making the other person feel bad! ( crazy eh?) I really needed my sober gang right then.

I then purchased more Christmas decorations which I definitely don’t need but the lights calm me and well they are pretty! I am going to walk the dogs, which will probably resemble more of a march today, go on a zoom call with my sober gang and cook a really nice dinner.

I am going to look after myself more and really try to not place my happiness on the acceptance and care of people who will never ever give me what I crave. I need to focus on those who do care.

I also wrote this blog really quickly and I can feel myself calming already because I have got it out, so thank you my therapists that are in my computer.

How do you cope with your fuck it moments? I’d love to hear.

Much love,

Bx