Day 167 – Festive fury

Apologies if this isn’t the most profound sober entry you will read, but I thought I’d be honest. Christmas is a tough time for us and it’s getting right on my pip!

Basically, I am in a massive funk. I am pretty sure it’s not helped by being very hormonal, but I just feel crap. Everything and everyone is annoying me. I am sick of seeing people posting about their drunken Christmas nights out. I am sick of the fact that it feels like everything at this time of year revolves around alcohol. And if you aren’t partaking, you are missing out.

I thought I would cheer myself up by visiting a well-known Christmas market near here. I go to their website and what is the first thing I see? Yep, people queuing to buy mulled wine or cider, all happy in their stupid winter hats and healthy rosy cheeks. All giving me a smug smile sympathising that I can’t partake (okay, they weren’t smiling at me, but that’s just how I feel right now). It just makes me feel a bit like the kid in class who can’t go to the school disco because they were naughty in maths. And I don’t like it.

I know, I know, we can still go to events and have a dance and chat whilst we are sober. Well, actually I can’t. I have no rhythm at all, seriously, I just can’t dance. Now, when I am drunk, I think I can dance, I will go so far as to say that I think I am so good, that everyone is copying my moves. All very funny until the next morning when I wake up sore and horrified and realise, they probably weren’t copying, they were trying to get away from me!

And casual chat sober is a no-no for me. I hate silence so will fill it with any old crap, mostly stuff in my brain that I have remembered about people to create small talk. I have a section in my brain for everyone in there. I will remember your Granny had gout a few years ago and I will possibly use that to fill the space. The conversation will be that fascinating. Or, and this is worse, what if I don’t know you? My voice will lower (with nerves) and my head will shake. Attractive eh? It really isn’t something I enjoy. I also hate being around drunk people. I even did when I was a drunk myself, however, I normally caught them up quite quickly.

I just feel bored, frustrated and pissed off. I know I have to be careful as resentment and anger are big triggers for me. This is why I am writing it down here. Everything is just making me cross. I haven’t actually been bothered about my partner drinking around me, but this weekend it has really irritated me. There’s me with yet another cup of (wee inducing) tea and there’s him enjoying his beer. He has done nothing wrong other than not being a drinker like me. So, I don’t say anything, just seethe silently and trot off to bed early (whilst getting up 20 times in the night for tea induced wees). I also left him to deal with the bloody elf on the shelf. I want to say he has covid and put him in quarantine, but he says no because he is nice. I am not.

I went to a Christmas fair yesterday, we go every year. It was much smaller than usual, but guess what the majority of stalls were? Yep, artisan gin or vodka or beer or something to hold your alcohol in. And two of the main attractions were bars, which were of course selling mulled wine and this time, to annoy me a bit more, champagne. Super. I left angrily and bought nothing, apart from a biscuit (which was nice actually, so not all bad).

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am grateful to be sober, I really am. I am just having an off weekend. I am pretty sure that this is 5% Christmas fury and 95% hormones. But it’s where I am at. I was even furious with the radio yesterday, first with a comedian who wasn’t funny, then with someone singing a cover of a song I loved. I was furious that they had slowed it down. In the grand scheme of things, neither warranted that fury. But both got a full-on rant, my husband was giggling at me venting, so luckily, I wasn’t too offensive.

My coping mechanism so far has to eat too much sugar and buy lights, lights and more lights. My house looks like a friendly Christmas grotto, people would never guess that it houses the grinch right now. I have also decided to take the dogs on a very long walk in the forest and try not to snarl at the Christmas jumper wearing tourists, drinking mulled wine in the pub gardens. However, woe betide anyone touching the Ponies today, they are getting it!

Thank you for reading my Christmas tantrum. Joking aside, I am extremely grateful to be sober. I am irritated but the truth is, if I was drinking, I would most likely have had two bottles last night, waking up on the sofa at daft o’clock and be feeling hideous today. And it would only get worse, as this time of year gives you permission to drink as much as you like (or it feels like that) and last year I really did grasp that permission!

I hope you are all feeling calmer than I have felt this weekend, writing this down may have saved some forest tourists from the wrath of an angry northerner today 😉

Much love,

B xx

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